Articles Posted in ‘ divorce ’ Category
When to Get a Divorce When You Have Kids
Monday, January 4th, 2010Evaluating the relationship between emotional trauma, children and divorce is something that parents need to do when trying to figure out when to get a divorce when they have kids. Most parents that are having marital problems think that it is better for their kids to stay together because divorce is so harmful to kids. However, a relationship that is not working can also negatively impact a kid’s quality of life.
The Relationship
The first thing that you need to do when contemplating if a marriage needs to end in divorce when you have kids is to reallly take a look at what is wrong with the relationship. A good way to start this evaluation is to examine why you are unhappy with the relationship. The reasons why you are unhappy are going to impact whether it is better to stay or to leave.
If the reasons why you are unhappy with the relationship are because of only one spouse then a deeper understanding of those problems needs to be done. For example, one spouse may be cheating or they may be withdrawing emotionally and physically from the marriage. Once the problem or problems have been identified then you can determine if they can be fixed or if they cannot be fixed.
In most cases where a divorce is possible both partners have issues with the relationship. The issues may be related to a lack of common interests, a change in life focus or issues related to physical attraction and closeness. It is important to examine the relationship from both sides. This will give you a better understanding of what is causing the problems and a better understanding of the condition of the marriage.
Making a Decision
Making a decision about whether to get a divorce or to stay in a marriage that has problems is a tough one to make. To start with you will want to talk with your spouse about the concerns that you have about the relationship. To make this process work both partners need to be able to speak their mind without being interrupted and both partners need to listen to what the other has to say.
The next step is to decide as a couple if the marriage is worth saving. Some relationships have issues that cannot be resolved. These relationships will inevitably end in divorce. On the other hand, many marriages that seem rocky can be strengthened with a little effort by each partner. Recognizing that each partner has issues that need to be addressed is a great starting point for the healing process.
If the relationship is not salvageable then the timing of the divorce needs to be discussed. If the conflicts between the partners are serious then it is best to get a divorce. However, if the two can manage to get along then there is time available to plan out the best time to get a divorce. Some parents wait until the summer months to get a divorce so kids do not have to deal with school and the stress of a divorce.
Conclusion
There is not good time to get a divorce. A divorce is a difficult and stressful process that impacts the entire family. However, it is best to think about planning a divorce when it is going to produce the fewest problems for your kids. This may mean waiting until they are out of school or waiting until the summer.
What to do After a Divorce to Rebuild Your Family
Monday, January 4th, 2010Today millions of families have to figure out the best way to deal with life, children and divorce. The process of divorce is inherently destructive so it is important that divorced parents takes steps to rebuild their family structure after the divorce has been finalized. This rebuilding phase will determine how successful the family unit will be and how close they will remain as the years go by.
Identify Immediate Needs
During the rebuilding phase after a divorce families need to start by identifying the immediate needs of their family. These needs can related to physical needs, such as finding a place to live or establishing adequate monthly income, or they can relate to emotional issues, such as depression or anxiety. Immediate needs have an urgency and will need to be handled before moving on to the other steps in the rebuilding process.
Establishing New Traditions
Establishing new traditions is an important step in the rebuilding and healing process. A divorce makes old family traditions difficult as one parent will always be missing. It is because of this that kids may feel strange practicing these old traditions. A good way to make holidays special and less stressful is to establish new traditions with each parent. For example, the kids can go skiing with their dad over Christmas and have a tree decorating party with their Mom before Christmas.
Create a Set of Family Rules
One of the conflicts that can develop when you get divorced is that the kids are given two sets of rules to live by. They will have one set of rules at their dad’s house and one set of rules at their mom’s house. This not only makes it difficult for kids to understand what is appropriate behavior and what is not, but it also sets up the family for conflict, particularly between parenting partners. To fix this problem the divorced family needs to set up a uniform set of rules that will apply to both households.
Build a Support Team
Every family, whether married or divorced, needs a support team to help them make it through the rough times. When you get divorced it is important to establish a support team that can lend a hand when things get overwhelming for one or both parents. This support team can be made up of family members, friends and other appropriate people.
Create a Visual Schedule
Confusion about who is supposed to what when is another issue that causes divorced families problems. One way to solve this problem is to develop a visual schedule. This schedule will include information about whose house the child will be at during each day of the week, special activities that the child is participating in, who will be responsible for picking up and dropping off the child from each activity and contact information for parents, kids and emergency contact people.
Conclusion
Rebuilding your family after a divorce is a process that needs to be completed. This process will take time and it will take some planning. Those families that put in a lot of effort into the rebuilding process for their divorced family will have fewer challenges to deal with than families that fail to invest time in planning out their family’s rebuilding process.
What Works Best for Kids Going Through Their Parents’ Divorce
Monday, January 4th, 2010Mitigating for children and divorce is a strategy that parents need to use in order to prevent some of the more harmful effects of divorce. Mitigation efforts will need to focus on problem solving, troubleshooting and relationship building exercises. When properly used by families of divorce these strategies will help kids to gain confidence and the skills that they need to handle all sorts of stress that they will face in their life.
#1 – Communication Is Key
Communication is going to be the saving grace for your divorce family. Communication will not only be important between you and your kids, but it will also be important between you and your ex-spouse and between your kids and their other parent. It will be important to develop a communication system that will enable everyone in the family to transmit and to decode messages accurately.
#2 – Plan Around Obstacles
Obstacles are a normal part of life. Usually kids will be able to deal with obstacles that they face on their own, however, when you are going through a divorce the stress of this situation may make them more prone to anxiety and other negative emotional states that impair their ability to deal with common obstacles. One way to help your kids deal with common obstacles in their life is to plan ahead for them. For example, transportation is often an issue with kids of divorced families. If your kids want to participate in an after-school activity then you will need to work together to figure out how they can get to and from their activities.
#3 – Know When to Ask for Help
When you are going through a divorce you may feel like you are dealing with everything on your own. This does not have to be the case. It is best for your kids if you get outside help when you need it, as opposed to trying to do everything yourself. Having a friend pick up items at the market for you, or having your ex-spouse pick the kids up from school every now and then can make all the difference. It will reduce the load that you have to carry, which will help you to relax and to maintain a more pleasant mood. This will make everyone happier.
#4 – Set Boundaries
Boundaries are very important for families of divorce. Boundaries are the rules of conduct for a relationship. They define responsibilities, consequences and limitations. They are important to have when you are dealing with an ex-spouse and when dealing with your kids.
#5 – Consistency Between Households
One of the biggest problems that develops in a family of divorce is conflicts between expectations in each parent’s household. Differences in rules and punishments can lead to kids playing one parent against the other. The easiest way to avoid the problem associated with household conflicts is to establish a consistent set of rules and punishments in your family plan. This will ensure that your kids understand what it expected of them and that parents do not have to feel like they are the bad guy when it comes to rules and punishments.
Conclusion
Surviving a parent’s divorce is something that most kids are going to have to face at some point in their life. Parents can make things easier on their kids and on themselves by focusing on mitigation strategies that strengthens the family and that reduces stress and other problems. These strategies help to make families strong enough to face the challenges of evolving as a family of divorce.
Evaluating Your Family’s Needs After a Divorce
Monday, January 4th, 2010There are many pieces of advice that relate to children and divorce. Sometimes the advice relates to how you can survive a divorce and other advice relates to what kids need to survive a divorce. Before you start taking advice about how to handle your situation it is a good idea to evaluate what needs your family has. This will help you to focus your attention on finding the advice that is relevant to your situation.
Evaluating Emotional Needs
The first thing that you need to evaluate is the emotional needs of your family. These needs are going to be related to what each member in your family needs in order to progress through the process of grieving for the loss of the old family structure and what they need to develop emotional skills that will help them deal with future challenges. A good way to approach this evaluation is to hold a family meeting and to discuss everyone’s feelings.
During the discussion process you can help your kids to express their emotional needs by providing them with an example. For example, you can say that you are sad that the old family structure is gone and that you need extra support in the form of patience, compassion and help around the house. If your kids are having a hard time talking about their emotional needs have them write the needs down on a slip of paper. Some kids will also do better if you talk with them privately about what they are feeling and what they need to help them through this difficult time.
Evaluating Physical Needs
A divorce creates many changes in a family’s life, including many physical changes. These physical changes often relate to the challenges of splitting a family into two households. This process creates financial stress and logistic issues.
Evaluating physical needs is easier to do then evaluating the family’s emotional needs. To start with you can create a simple list. This list can be divided into sections. The sections will relate to individual family members and to each household. Under each section physical needs can be identified, such as household A needs to increase monthly income to cover all living experiences, while child A needs a visual calendar so they know whose house they will be at each week.
Evaluating Time Sensitive Needs
During and after a divorce many issues are going to arise. Some issues can be dealt with when ever you have time, while others will be more time sensitive. To evaluate these needs you will want to create a list that is divided into time frames. These time frames will include “within one week,” “within the month,” within two months,”…”within a year.” You can also use headings that relate to tasks that need to be done by a certain date.
Under each heading you will need to list the tasks that need to be accomplished within the time frame. For example, you may need to list “find an apartment” under the “within a month” heading. You may also need to list “tell kids about the divorce” under the “within the week” heading.
Conclusion
Evaluating your family’s needs after a divorce is a step that is often overlooked or avoided. This is unfortunate because it can help you to organize what you need to do as a family in order to survive the process of divorce. It also can help you to better manage your time and resources so that the divorce is not as overwhelming as it usually is.
Five Tips About Dating When Going Through a Divorce
Monday, January 4th, 2010Navigating dating, children and divorce is not easy. It involves the evaluation of your life, your needs and the needs of your family. If you are ready to enter the dating pool once again and you are going through a divorce then these tips will help.
Tip #1 – Do Not Rush Things
It is a good idea to take your time when re-entering the dating world when going through a divorce. Some people will be ready to date well before their divorce has been finalized while others will not be ready for a new social life for many months after the divorce has been finalized. It is important to pace yourself based on what you are comfortable with and to avoid dating before you are ready.
Tip #2 – Do Not Put Too Much Pressure on Yourself
When you are going through a divorce you are under an extreme amount of pressure. You do not want to make things even more difficult on yourself by putting too much pressure on yourself about dating. Dating can be a great way to relax and to relieve stress, but if you focus too much on your ability to find a perfect match you will eliminate the benefit of dating.
Tip #3 – Figure Out What You Want in a New Partner
One of the benefits of getting a divorce is that you get the chance to learn what you do not like in a partner. It also gives you the opportunity to focus on what you do want in your next partner. A good way to do this is to create a list of traits that you are interested in.
Tip #4 – Evaluate Yourself
While it is a good idea to think about what your ex-spouse did that contributed to your divorce it is also a good idea to evaluate what you did to contribute to the divorce. For example, you may have been untruthful, you may not have communicated your needs or you may not have spent enough time with your spouse. As you evaluate yourself you will want to look for ways to make yourself a better person and a better match for someone else.
Tip #5 – Think About Your Kids
Before you start spending all of your free time dating and developing a social life you need to think about your kids. Divorce is hard on parents, but even harder on kids. They are going to need a lot of your time during the divorce and their need for attention and comfort may outweigh your need for a new relationship. This does not mean that if you have kids that you cannot date during a divorce, but what it does mean is that you will want to spend as much time as possible with your kids and when you are not with them you can focus on dating.
Conclusion
Dating when you are going through a divorce is a challenge. On the one side, dating during a divorce can be a great way to relax, have fun and to establish new relationships. On the other hand, dating during a divorce can complicate the divorce process, it can take time away from your kids and it can add stress to your life. Before you decide whether or not to date while going through a divorce you need to weight the pros and cons of the situation.
Causes of Marital Infidelity for Men and Women
Saturday, December 19th, 2009Who Has Affairs?
We tend to think that only bad people have extra marital affairs or only people in bad relationships. But no one is immune from having an affair.
Monogamy is something most people say they believe in and want for themselves. Every survey ever done on this question shows a high percentage of people think monogamy is important to marriage and that affairs are wrong. But a belief in monogamy as an ideal doesn’t prevent large numbers of people from having extra marital affairs. Most people don’t intend to have an affair and most people don’t think it will happen to them—but it does.
Usually there are three different kinds of forces that are working together:
-
- Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs
- Forces within the individual that push them toward affairs
- Societal factors
Forces within the individual that pull them toward affairs:
- Desire to go for a Dating
- Looking for partners in Internet dating Sites.
- Love for Adultry
- Desire for having some adventure by facing an illicit encounter.
- Those who have No Strings attached to them love it.
- Those who is looking for enjoyment of adult fun
Societal factors
Affairs are glamorized in movies, soap operas, romance novels, and TV shows of all kinds. Public disclosure of public figures having affairs is headline news because we are fascinated and titillated by hearing of others’ affairs.
People are bombarded with images of women as sex objects in advertising and marketing campaigns. Over and over, the message to men is that the good life includes a parade of sexy women in their lives. Women inadvertently buy into this image and strive to achieve it.
The lack of good sex education and the existence of sexual taboos combine to make it difficult for most partners to talk honestly about sex.
As teenagers we get conditioned in deception when it comes to sex—engaging in sexual activity while hiding it from our parents.
The code of secrecy is a major factor in affairs because it provides protection for the person having affairs and leads them to believe they won’t get caught.
Six Tips for Boomer Dating Success
Friday, December 11th, 2009Let’s face it: Dating is daunting. And when you’re a Boomer, it may seem next to impossible. You might be coming out of a long-term marriage, or emerging from a period of time where you were consumed with raising children or caring for elderly parents — or, perhaps you still are responsible for children and/parents. Have your “dating muscles” atrophied? You might feel like you don’t have the slightest idea how to go about flirting, meeting the opposite sex, much less handling issues of sexually transmitted diseases. You might feel like your body is old or unattractive. Disrobing in front of a romantic partner? Definitely not.
Plus, today’s dating world doesn’t remotely resemble the one you knew. How proactive are women supposed to be? Is the third-date rule (for having sex) still in effect? Just how do you handle an HIV discussion? Is online dating reliable, safe, or even effective? And all these questions and difficulties are magnified for female Boomers, who outnumber their male counterparts and also have to compete with younger women.
Yet many Boomers, including women, have gone out there and had the fun and excitement of their teenage years all over again (and with the wisdom of the years, it’s even better!). A 54 year-old artist recently e-mailed me about her new Boomer boyfriend: Joe adores me. He tells me I am a treasure, a rare beauty. I make him feel alive after so many years of being dead. Joe loves my voice, my thoughts, my work. He bought riding boots and we went riding together. His 95-year-old mom in Miami wants to see my photo.
Once you take the dating plunge, you may be very pleasantly surprised at the possibilities, especially in online dating. This goes for female Boomers too. They often report that once they start, they feel more confident, more clear about what they want and therefore, more attractive! Female Boomers are more empowered and more affluent than ever before. The good news is that often, younger women cannot compete with them for a male Boomer’s attention. The thirty-somethings are too active and demanding in terms of nightlife and other activities, whereas a Boomer man may prefer the seasoned wise companionship of a woman who has been there and done that. In other words, both male and female Boomers are in a position to pick and choose who they want to date.
Here’s what Shirley, a 50-year-old divorcee is experiencing:
I just met another amazing guy. This one actually was suggested by Match. I
winked. He e-mailed. I e-mailed back. He called me and we had a fabulous
conversation. He was so easy to talk to. He seemed honest and sincere. I asked
some pretty blunt questions that he happily answered in good detail. And he’s tall!
He created a business and sold it in 2006 because he had plenty of money and
wanted to do something else. On the other hand, Bill, the writer, is coming out
this afternoon. We are going to the beach. Bill says that he has written a poem for
me…
So, what are you waiting for? Join the party!
The formula for successful Boomer dating
Here are six love advice tips to help you succeed at dating.
1. Tip: Take care of you. For the outer (and inner) you, start a regular exercise program. It is definitely the fountain of youth. Give yourself a makeover so that you look great in your own eyes. Get that trendy haircut, go shopping, try out those clothes that your friend wears that give him or her a sexy, attractive or powerful look.
2. Tip: Don’t be shy to advertise. Then put out the word in your network that you are ready to date. Seventy-two percent of relationships come from a person’s network of friends, co-workers, and family. At first, don’t be picky — simply tell folks you are looking for a wonderful person.
3. Tip: Go where the singles go. Go where the opposite sex (or same sex, if you prefer) is. If you like what you see, smile, make eye contact, give a sincere compliment or ask for some help. Sign up for on-going classes/activities that interest you and that have potential dates in them. For example, courses on finance, investing, sports and leadership; snowboarding/skiing; hiking; and cigar tasting usually have a lot of men in them. If you’re a Boomer male, women are attracted to growth, craft, cooking, or spiritual courses. If you’re not sure, ask the enroller about the ratio of men to women. There are many other fun activities, classes, and clubs so Google any class/topic plus “your city” and “classes.”
4. Tip: Definitely do not miss out on online dating. Using the Internet is essential because it gives you a sense of the wide variety of singles that are out there right now. Sixteen million singles are dating online in the U.S. according to the latest independent research. You can partake of this smorgasbord of possibilities right there at your computer. Spend the time and work two sites. In addition to Match.com and Lavalife.com, Boomers can use sites like eHarmony or PerfectMatch.com (63 percent are 35 to 60) and PrimeSingles.net, a 50+ site whose membership grew 39 percent in 2005. Then there are more specialized sites like BigChurch.com for Christians, Jdate.com if you’re Jewish.
5. Tip: Put some time into it. Most people spend more time planning a vacation than they do planning their dating lives. And they get great vacations and little-to-no love life! So if you want to date, get out your calendar and set aside 8 to 10 hours per week to spend on going to courses, working your online dating program and actually going out on dates.
6. Tips for successful online dating
Women, make sure you use a great headshot photo — men are very visual. Either get one done professionally that looks casual, or have a photographer friend take 100 shots to get just the right one. Digital cameras make it easy to take many photos, so you can choose the one that’s perfect.
So now you have the basic tools for successful Boomer dating. Face down your fears and insecurities and get in the game. As the poet Kahlil Gibran wrote:
When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And
when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his
pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you, believe in him…
You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Pre-order it now from Amazon.com at a 20-25% discount. www.lovein90days.com
Personal Excellence: Four Keys to Love that Lasts
Friday, December 11th, 2009“All happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unique in its grief.”~Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Personal excellence in your love relationship is not achieved by reading couples selfhelp books or dumping the problem partner you’re with and going on to the next grass-isgreener pasture to find the One. It can only be achieved the hard way, through daily, weekly and monthly practice of four key strategies that keep love alive and thriving.
How do I know this? I’ve been married to the same man for over 25 years. Happily married. We’ve weathered one of our families disowning us and refusing to even meet our baby girl because one of us is Jewish while the other is Italian; the devastating death of a child; a life-threatening illness; stormy fights; and the deadly boring stretches when we seemed to have nothing in common.
But today we’re stronger, more in love and sexier than ever together.
These days marriages are dying out faster and faster. The average marriage is now under seven years. Yet research shows that married people are healthier, wealthier and happier. In fact, marital happiness contributes far more to personal happiness than any other factor, including work and friendship satisfaction. Bottom line: if you want personal
excellence in your life it is critical to create, nurture and sustain a committed loving relationship.
Like a crusader, I’ve dedicated the last 20+ years of my life to finding the holy grail of love. Armed with an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology, I realized success leaves secrets. This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and ever-lasting love. While on this journey I studied happy couples (hard to find, but I did) and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.
These are the practices I’ve used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I’ve also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other couples create love that lasts.
The four keys to happily-ever-after are: 1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple; 2) Holding Listening Sessions; 3) Planning for Sex; and, 4) Resolving Conflict.
1) Spending Time Alone As A Couple
Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you.
Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn’t for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids’ play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.
What Saved Us
We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It’s been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.
2) Holding Listening Sessions
Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards. We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual. This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart.
What Saved Us
We scheduled FORMAL Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other every other day. In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other SIMPLY LISTENS with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, we used a clock and honored a full ten minute session.
Anything that was said in that time was sacred and could not be brought up during an argument!
Sam and I still use these sessions to get to know each other all over again.
Mind reading doesn’t work. You never really know your partner’s world until you listen.
3) Planning for Sex
Sex releases oxytocin, which is the cuddle or bonding hormone. This is the powerful hormone that triggers the nurturing instinct toward newborns. Sex also creates a shared endorphin release—so that the partners associate feeling good with each other. On the other hand, infidelity is the biggest love buster. So having regular sex is a good thing.
After we had kids, Sam and I made the same ridiculous choices that other young couples make, such as going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us instead of making love. We rushed around until we had finally checked off our entire to-do list, except for the last item. The most important activity of all. Then we wondered why we didn’t feel connected with each other.
What Saved Us
We set aside time when sex was moved all the way up on the to-do list, to number one. We made one of our weekly dates into a Regular Sexy Encounter where we played with toys, lingerie and videos, all in the context of having an affair–with each other. To get going on this path I would ask myself, “Would you be wearing this ratty bathrobe if you were meeting your new lover? What would you be doing or saying?” And Sam would do the same. If one of us wasn’t in the mood, he or she would start to fool around anyway. And sure enough, the mood turned around and heated up.
Couples expect spontaneous great sex to happen like in the movies. But after a couple has been together awhile great sex takes planning. Then the spontaneity happens. It’s like going to an amusement park. You need to buy the tickets, do a mapquest and clear your schedules; then you ride the roller coaster.
4) Conflict Resolution
The latest marital research shows that happy couples relate to each other with a golden five-to-one rule. That is, they have five positive, loving exchanges for every critical or negative one. On the other hand, marriages with high degrees of conflict, with lots of contempt, criticism, defensiveness and the silent treatment are unhappy and very likely to fail.
I noticed that just like the other couples I was counseling Sam and I followed the five-to-one rule all right. But mostly in reverse. In fact, we got so mean to each other that we were riding what love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls a horseman of the Apocalypse. In other words, we were doomed.
What Saved Us
We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can.
But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together.
We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a ‘movie’ we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice ‘rewinding the tape’ when you don’t like ‘the take.’ We agreed that either of us could call out “Take Two” whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way—as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times!
The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, “Over 25 years!”
So there you have it: four magic practices that deliver excellence in your love relationship. If we can do it, so can you.
P.S. You can use these practices even if your partner won’t cooperate. On your own you can find a few minutes of couple time when you can be a good listener; act like you’re having an affair with your partner; or change your mean-spirited words into loving ones. If you do this consistently, 99% of the time your partner will join in and your love will thrive.
You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Pre-order it now from Amazon.com at a 20-25% discount. www.lovein90days.com
Do You Have Dating Dawdlitis?
Friday, December 11th, 2009Four steps will get you off the couch and on your way to the love you want!
www.lovein90days.com
You’ll do anything other than looking for a partner online — watch TV reruns, clean the bathroom, complain about your dating troubles, or even call your mother. You freeze up and question yourself repeatedly when it’s time to meet someone for coffee, make the next call, date, or move on to the first kiss.
Sound familiar? It’s all too common, whether you’re new to dating or a seasoned but burnt-out veteran. When you find it hard or even impossible to date, even though you’re lonely and hungry for a romantic connection, you have what I call Dating Dawdlitis (DD).
Actually most singles have at least a touch of DD. We get tongue tied and run the other way instead of saying hello to the cute guy on the train or the hot girl who works in the office. When we need to find a profile photo, we see nothing but pimples, warts and just how big our nose really is. We write and rewrite our emails to prospective dates, trying to be more clever, more real, and more funny, more whatever — that mysterious quality that makes us irresistible. And when we’re on a date with an attractive partner, we get awkward or quiet or start babbling gibberish.
There’s another form of DD, we have pulled back because “nobody’s good enough.” We’ve dated a string of nerds and losers and that’s enough, thank you very much. What we don’t look at is how our own superiority masks a certain insecurity, a secret belief that, “There’s something really wrong with me.”
When DD is full-blown, we may be paralyzed to the point where we can’t or don’t even try to jump into the pool of possible dating partners. And even if we do manage to date, negative thoughts lurk in our minds like boogey men, ruining any chance of we have of simply being ourselves or having a good time.
DD is what stands between you and love, between you and those cozy nights of afterglow cuddling. But here’s the good news: You can beating Dating Dawdlitis. All you need to do is get off the couch and take these four steps that will build your selfconfidence and courage.
Your First Step — Understand you’re not alone. Most, if not all singles, have been through some form of DD. It’s OK to feel anxious, scared, intimidated, weird, or awkward. In fact, it’s OK to feel whatever you’re feeling.
Your Second Step — Understand that falling flat on your face is part of the romantic process. You’re supposed to make mistakes. That’s how you learn. You learn to walk by falling down. You learn to date by writing idiotic emails, sticking you foot in your mouth, and making clumsy, silly and just plain wrong moves. It’s OK. It’s just part of the process. Besides, the right person will find those not-cool things endearing and adorable! Take a moment, close your eyes, and visualize being your not-cool self and someone who is the One chuckling, smiling, and really digging it.
Your Third Step — Understand you need to train yourself to take action. Almost any action!! Email five hotties that are “out of your league.” Send that email response you’ve edited three times. Open your mouth and say something, anything, to any cutie around. And I do mean anything at all. Anything is infinitely better than nothing. And once you practice jumping in, you’ll be surprised at the possibilities that open up for you.
Your Fourth Step — Understand it is normal to get ‘knocked out’. Putting yourself out there in the dating world is a form of interpersonal training that is similar to learning to box. You are supposed to get knocked out until you meet the right opponent. Then you might trade some blows, but the whole thing is very exciting and you spend a great deal of time clutching and holding each other close.
Similarly, when you are training to be in a loving relationship, expect to get rebuffed or “rejected.” It happens. When it does, you are that much closer to meeting your match. So give yourself a reward for succeeding. Because even though it didn’t work out with the last person, the bottom line is that you are moving yourself forward. You sent that email, made that call, went on that date. You put yourself out there and that’s what counts. Get a Caramel Macchiato, go shoe shopping, or call to your best buddy who moved to Katmandu. After you do, hang out with friends who love you for who you are. Also, recall your visualization of the One being fascinated, amused, and loving you from Step Two.
As you take these steps, train and reward yourself with mini-celebrations you will build a whole new habit pattern of playing full-out in the dating arena. In fact, you will be well on your way to being with that one person who absolutely enjoys all the different cool and not-so-cool facets of you. And your Dating Dawdlitis will be a thing of the past.
You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Pre-order it now from Amazon.com at a 20-25% discount. www.lovein90days.com
Dating Three to Find the One An Excerpt from “Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love” By Dr. Diana Kirschner
Friday, December 11th, 2009Love moderately: long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
~Shakespeare
When it comes to dating, the Bard got it right. Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too quickly or too slowly when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. And the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three.
The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex or lose him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath: a Flame Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you and who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of deadly dating patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build self-esteem and find men that are much more fulfilling.
Although the idea of finding, much less juggling, three guys may sound challenging — if not downright impossible! — let me reassure you: it won’t be once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn in this dating program.
Why It Works
There are sound biological reasons why the Dating Program of Three works!
First of all, it helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make: the addictive moth-to-a-flame over-involvement with some new guy who is supposedly the “One,” which I call the Flame Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed. These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new guy did and said. These speed-like chemicals also can drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.
Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hotwired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests.
If you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you. Then sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further.
The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player or all wrong for you.
The Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during the whole sexual act and after you leave the scene. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him!
Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call.
Program of Three dating is challenging, but it’s truly empowering. It allows you to be long-sighted and keep your eye on the prize: a lasting fulfilling relationship that’s just right for you. Of course, there are obstacles to creating the program but I’ve helped thousands of women succeed and you’re no different.
About the Author
Dr. Diana Kirschner is a clinical psychologist and relationship expert who has helped thousands of single women get the love they want. Dr. Diana is a frequent guest on the Today Show and the Morning Show with Mike & Juliet. Her PBS TV Pledge Special, Finding Your Own True Love is based on her new book Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.