Mitigating for children and divorce is a strategy that parents need to use in order to prevent some of the more harmful effects of divorce. Mitigation efforts will need to focus on problem solving, troubleshooting and relationship building exercises. When properly used by families of divorce these strategies will help kids to gain confidence and the skills that they need to handle all sorts of stress that they will face in their life.

#1 – Communication Is Key

Communication is going to be the saving grace for your divorce family. Communication will not only be important between you and your kids, but it will also be important between you and your ex-spouse and between your kids and their other parent. It will be important to develop a communication system that will enable everyone in the family to transmit and to decode messages accurately.

#2 – Plan Around Obstacles

Obstacles are a normal part of life. Usually kids will be able to deal with obstacles that they face on their own, however, when you are going through a divorce the stress of this situation may make them more prone to anxiety and other negative emotional states that impair their ability to deal with common obstacles. One way to help your kids deal with common obstacles in their life is to plan ahead for them. For example, transportation is often an issue with kids of divorced families. If your kids want to participate in an after-school activity then you will need to work together to figure out how they can get to and from their activities.

#3 – Know When to Ask for Help

When you are going through a divorce you may feel like you are dealing with everything on your own. This does not have to be the case. It is best for your kids if you get outside help when you need it, as opposed to trying to do everything yourself. Having a friend pick up items at the market for you, or having your ex-spouse pick the kids up from school every now and then can make all the difference. It will reduce the load that you have to carry, which will help you to relax and to maintain a more pleasant mood. This will make everyone happier.

#4 – Set Boundaries

Boundaries are very important for families of divorce. Boundaries are the rules of conduct for a relationship. They define responsibilities, consequences and limitations. They are important to have when you are dealing with an ex-spouse and when dealing with your kids.

#5 – Consistency Between Households

One of the biggest problems that develops in a family of divorce is conflicts between expectations in each parent’s household. Differences in rules and punishments can lead to kids playing one parent against the other. The easiest way to avoid the problem associated with household conflicts is to establish a consistent set of rules and punishments in your family plan. This will ensure that your kids understand what it expected of them and that parents do not have to feel like they are the bad guy when it comes to rules and punishments.

Conclusion

Surviving a parent’s divorce is something that most kids are going to have to face at some point in their life. Parents can make things easier on their kids and on themselves by focusing on mitigation strategies that strengthens the family and that reduces stress and other problems. These strategies help to make families strong enough to face the challenges of evolving as a family of divorce.

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There are many pieces of advice that relate to children and divorce. Sometimes the advice relates to how you can survive a divorce and other advice relates to what kids need to survive a divorce. Before you start taking advice about how to handle your situation it is a good idea to evaluate what needs your family has. This will help you to focus your attention on finding the advice that is relevant to your situation.

Evaluating Emotional Needs

The first thing that you need to evaluate is the emotional needs of your family. These needs are going to be related to what each member in your family needs in order to progress through the process of grieving for the loss of the old family structure and what they need to develop emotional skills that will help them deal with future challenges. A good way to approach this evaluation is to hold a family meeting and to discuss everyone’s feelings.

During the discussion process you can help your kids to express their emotional needs by providing them with an example. For example, you can say that you are sad that the old family structure is gone and that you need extra support in the form of patience, compassion and help around the house. If your kids are having a hard time talking about their emotional needs have them write the needs down on a slip of paper. Some kids will also do better if you talk with them privately about what they are feeling and what they need to help them through this difficult time.

Evaluating Physical Needs

A divorce creates many changes in a family’s life, including many physical changes. These physical changes often relate to the challenges of splitting a family into two households. This process creates financial stress and logistic issues.

Evaluating physical needs is easier to do then evaluating the family’s emotional needs. To start with you can create a simple list. This list can be divided into sections. The sections will relate to individual family members and to each household. Under each section physical needs can be identified, such as household A needs to increase monthly income to cover all living experiences, while child A needs a visual calendar so they know whose house they will be at each week.

Evaluating Time Sensitive Needs

During and after a divorce many issues are going to arise. Some issues can be dealt with when ever you have time, while others will be more time sensitive. To evaluate these needs you will want to create a list that is divided into time frames. These time frames will include “within one week,” “within the month,” within two months,”…”within a year.” You can also use headings that relate to tasks that need to be done by a certain date.

Under each heading you will need to list the tasks that need to be accomplished within the time frame. For example, you may need to list “find an apartment” under the “within a month” heading. You may also need to list “tell kids about the divorce” under the “within the week” heading.

Conclusion

Evaluating your family’s needs after a divorce is a step that is often overlooked or avoided. This is unfortunate because it can help you to organize what you need to do as a family in order to survive the process of divorce. It also can help you to better manage your time and resources so that the divorce is not as overwhelming as it usually is.

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Navigating dating, children and divorce is not easy. It involves the evaluation of your life, your needs and the needs of your family. If you are ready to enter the dating pool once again and you are going through a divorce then these tips will help.

Tip #1 – Do Not Rush Things

It is a good idea to take your time when re-entering the dating world when going through a divorce. Some people will be ready to date well before their divorce has been finalized while others will not be ready for a new social life for many months after the divorce has been finalized. It is important to pace yourself based on what you are comfortable with and to avoid dating before you are ready.

Tip #2 – Do Not Put Too Much Pressure on Yourself

When you are going through a divorce you are under an extreme amount of pressure. You do not want to make things even more difficult on yourself by putting too much pressure on yourself about dating. Dating can be a great way to relax and to relieve stress, but if you focus too much on your ability to find a perfect match you will eliminate the benefit of dating.

Tip #3 – Figure Out What You Want in a New Partner

One of the benefits of getting a divorce is that you get the chance to learn what you do not like in a partner. It also gives you the opportunity to focus on what you do want in your next partner. A good way to do this is to create a list of traits that you are interested in.

Tip #4 – Evaluate Yourself

While it is a good idea to think about what your ex-spouse did that contributed to your divorce it is also a good idea to evaluate what you did to contribute to the divorce. For example, you may have been untruthful, you may not have communicated your needs or you may not have spent enough time with your spouse. As you evaluate yourself you will want to look for ways to make yourself a better person and a better match for someone else.

Tip #5 – Think About Your Kids

Before you start spending all of your free time dating and developing a social life you need to think about your kids. Divorce is hard on parents, but even harder on kids. They are going to need a lot of your time during the divorce and their need for attention and comfort may outweigh your need for a new relationship. This does not mean that if you have kids that you cannot date during a divorce, but what it does mean is that you will want to spend as much time as possible with your kids and when you are not with them you can focus on dating.

Conclusion

Dating when you are going through a divorce is a challenge. On the one side, dating during a divorce can be a great way to relax, have fun and to establish new relationships. On the other hand, dating during a divorce can complicate the divorce process, it can take time away from your kids and it can add stress to your life. Before you decide whether or not to date while going through a divorce you need to weight the pros and cons of the situation.

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Plus, today’s dating world doesn’t remotely resemble the one you knew. How proactive are women supposed to be? Is the third-date rule (for having sex) still in effect? Just how do you handle an HIV discussion? Is online dating reliable, safe, or even effective? And all these questions and difficulties are magnified for female Boomers, who outnumber their male counterparts and also have to compete with younger women.

Yet many Boomers, including women, have gone out there and had the fun and excitement of their teenage years all over again (and with the wisdom of the years, it’s even better!). A 54 year-old artist recently e-mailed me about her new Boomer boyfriend: Joe adores me. He tells me I am a treasure, a rare beauty. I make him feel alive after so many years of being dead. Joe loves my voice, my thoughts, my work. He bought riding boots and we went riding together. His 95-year-old mom in Miami wants to see my photo.

Once you take the dating plunge, you may be very pleasantly surprised at the possibilities, especially in online dating. This goes for female Boomers too. They often report that once they start, they feel more confident, more clear about what they want and therefore, more attractive! Female Boomers are more empowered and more affluent than ever before. The good news is that often, younger women cannot compete with them for a male Boomer’s attention. The thirty-somethings are too active and demanding in terms of nightlife and other activities, whereas a Boomer man may prefer the seasoned wise companionship of a woman who has been there and done that. In other words, both male and female Boomers are in a position to pick and choose who they want to date.

Here’s what Shirley, a 50-year-old divorcee is experiencing:

I just met another amazing guy. This one actually was suggested by Match. I
winked. He e-mailed. I e-mailed back. He called me and we had a fabulous
conversation. He was so easy to talk to. He seemed honest and sincere. I asked
some pretty blunt questions that he happily answered in good detail. And he’s tall!
He created a business and sold it in 2006 because he had plenty of money and
wanted to do something else. On the other hand, Bill, the writer, is coming out
this afternoon. We are going to the beach. Bill says that he has written a poem for
me…

So, what are you waiting for? Join the party!

The formula for successful Boomer dating

Here are six love advice tips to help you succeed at dating.

1. Tip: Take care of you. For the outer (and inner) you, start a regular exercise program. It is definitely the fountain of youth. Give yourself a makeover so that you look great in your own eyes. Get that trendy haircut, go shopping, try out those clothes that your friend wears that give him or her a sexy, attractive or powerful look.

2. Tip: Don’t be shy to advertise. Then put out the word in your network that you are ready to date. Seventy-two percent of relationships come from a person’s network of friends, co-workers, and family. At first, don’t be picky — simply tell folks you are looking for a wonderful person.

3. Tip: Go where the singles go. Go where the opposite sex (or same sex, if you prefer) is. If you like what you see, smile, make eye contact, give a sincere compliment or ask for some help. Sign up for on-going classes/activities that interest you and that have potential dates in them. For example, courses on finance, investing, sports and leadership; snowboarding/skiing; hiking; and cigar tasting usually have a lot of men in them. If you’re a Boomer male, women are attracted to growth, craft, cooking, or spiritual courses. If you’re not sure, ask the enroller about the ratio of men to women. There are many other fun activities, classes, and clubs so Google any class/topic plus “your city” and “classes.”

4. Tip: Definitely do not miss out on online dating. Using the Internet is essential because it gives you a sense of the wide variety of singles that are out there right now. Sixteen million singles are dating online in the U.S. according to the latest independent research. You can partake of this smorgasbord of possibilities right there at your computer. Spend the time and work two sites. In addition to Match.com and Lavalife.com, Boomers can use sites like eHarmony or PerfectMatch.com (63 percent are 35 to 60) and PrimeSingles.net, a 50+ site whose membership grew 39 percent in 2005. Then there are more specialized sites like BigChurch.com for Christians, Jdate.com if you’re Jewish.

5. Tip: Put some time into it. Most people spend more time planning a vacation than they do planning their dating lives. And they get great vacations and little-to-no love life! So if you want to date, get out your calendar and set aside 8 to 10 hours per week to spend on going to courses, working your online dating program and actually going out on dates.

6. Tips for successful online dating

Women, make sure you use a great headshot photo — men are very visual. Either get one done professionally that looks casual, or have a photographer friend take 100 shots to get just the right one. Digital cameras make it easy to take many photos, so you can choose the one that’s perfect.

So now you have the basic tools for successful Boomer dating. Face down your fears and insecurities and get in the game. As the poet Kahlil Gibran wrote:

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And
when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his
pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you, believe in him…

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Pre-order it now from Amazon.com at a 20-25% discount. www.lovein90days.com

Personal excellence in your love relationship is not achieved by reading couples selfhelp books or dumping the problem partner you’re with and going on to the next grass-isgreener pasture to find the One. It can only be achieved the hard way, through daily, weekly and monthly practice of four key strategies that keep love alive and thriving.

How do I know this? I’ve been married to the same man for over 25 years. Happily married. We’ve weathered one of our families disowning us and refusing to even meet our baby girl because one of us is Jewish while the other is Italian; the devastating death of a child; a life-threatening illness; stormy fights; and the deadly boring stretches when we seemed to have nothing in common.

But today we’re stronger, more in love and sexier than ever together.

These days marriages are dying out faster and faster. The average marriage is now under seven years. Yet research shows that married people are healthier, wealthier and happier. In fact, marital happiness contributes far more to personal happiness than any other factor, including work and friendship satisfaction. Bottom line: if you want personal
excellence in your life it is critical to create, nurture and sustain a committed loving relationship.

Like a crusader, I’ve dedicated the last 20+ years of my life to finding the holy grail of love. Armed with an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology, I realized success leaves secrets. This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and ever-lasting love. While on this journey I studied happy couples (hard to find, but I did) and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.

These are the practices I’ve used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I’ve also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other couples create love that lasts.

The four keys to happily-ever-after are: 1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple; 2) Holding Listening Sessions; 3) Planning for Sex; and, 4) Resolving Conflict.

1) Spending Time Alone As A Couple

Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you.

Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn’t for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids’ play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.

What Saved Us

We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It’s been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.

2) Holding Listening Sessions

Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards. We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual. This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart.

What Saved Us

We scheduled FORMAL Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other every other day. In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other SIMPLY LISTENS with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, we used a clock and honored a full ten minute session.

Anything that was said in that time was sacred and could not be brought up during an argument!

Sam and I still use these sessions to get to know each other all over again.

Mind reading doesn’t work. You never really know your partner’s world until you listen.

3) Planning for Sex

Sex releases oxytocin, which is the cuddle or bonding hormone. This is the powerful hormone that triggers the nurturing instinct toward newborns. Sex also creates a shared endorphin release—so that the partners associate feeling good with each other. On the other hand, infidelity is the biggest love buster. So having regular sex is a good thing.

After we had kids, Sam and I made the same ridiculous choices that other young couples make, such as going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us instead of making love. We rushed around until we had finally checked off our entire to-do list, except for the last item. The most important activity of all. Then we wondered why we didn’t feel connected with each other.

What Saved Us

We set aside time when sex was moved all the way up on the to-do list, to number one. We made one of our weekly dates into a Regular Sexy Encounter where we played with toys, lingerie and videos, all in the context of having an affair–with each other. To get going on this path I would ask myself, “Would you be wearing this ratty bathrobe if you were meeting your new lover? What would you be doing or saying?” And Sam would do the same. If one of us wasn’t in the mood, he or she would start to fool around anyway. And sure enough, the mood turned around and heated up.

Couples expect spontaneous great sex to happen like in the movies. But after a couple has been together awhile great sex takes planning. Then the spontaneity happens. It’s like going to an amusement park. You need to buy the tickets, do a mapquest and clear your schedules; then you ride the roller coaster.

4) Conflict Resolution

The latest marital research shows that happy couples relate to each other with a golden five-to-one rule. That is, they have five positive, loving exchanges for every critical or negative one. On the other hand, marriages with high degrees of conflict, with lots of contempt, criticism, defensiveness and the silent treatment are unhappy and very likely to fail.

I noticed that just like the other couples I was counseling Sam and I followed the five-to-one rule all right. But mostly in reverse. In fact, we got so mean to each other that we were riding what love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls a horseman of the Apocalypse. In other words, we were doomed.

What Saved Us

We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can.

But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together.

We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a ‘movie’ we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice ‘rewinding the tape’ when you don’t like ‘the take.’ We agreed that either of us could call out “Take Two” whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way—as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times!

The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, “Over 25 years!”

So there you have it: four magic practices that deliver excellence in your love relationship. If we can do it, so can you.

P.S. You can use these practices even if your partner won’t cooperate. On your own you can find a few minutes of couple time when you can be a good listener; act like you’re having an affair with your partner; or change your mean-spirited words into loving ones. If you do this consistently, 99% of the time your partner will join in and your love will thrive.

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Pre-order it now from Amazon.com at a 20-25% discount. www.lovein90days.com

While a divorce may seem like the end of the world to some people, it is actually the beginning of a whole new life. However, like any transition in life it is going to be stressful and a bit scary. The process is even more scary to go through when you have adult children.

Evolving Your Family

One of the challenges of moving on after a divorce when you have adult children is determining how to handle “family” events. If you had minor children then the handling of these situations would have been discussed in your divorce paperwork. However, when you have adult children a parenting plan is not a part of your divorce paperwork.

Family events can be handled in a couple of ways. First of all you can just alternate special events, like a traditional parenting plan would do. However, you can also orchestrate family events based on what your kids want to do.

While you can split up the holidays and special events, you also have the option of sharing these events as a family unit. This can be difficult at first, however, with time you will be able to tolerate each other long enough to get through special events that involve the grandchildren.

Dating After 50

In addition to dealing with adult children and divorce you will also need to figure out how to have a social life once again. Dating when you are over 50 is a challenge but it is not impossible. The key to dating when you are over 50 is to be comfortable with who you are and knowing what you want in a partner.

If you haven’t dated in a while then your first step towards dating in your 50s will be to learn about what modern dating is all about. Working with a relationship coach can be a great way to prepare yourself to go back on the market. These people will show you how to attract someone’s attention and how to find the right person for you.

Finding someone to date today is a little easier than it used to be. You can sign up for online dating services, you can work with a matchmaker or you can just cruise local hang out spots to find someone interesting. You can also have people you know and trust set you up on blind dates.

Conclusion

After you get divorced you will need to move on with your life. This is a challenge when you have adult children and are a more mature individual. However, starting a new life after 50 can be very exciting and it can provide you with the opportunity to start a new life that will be fulfilling and full of new experiences.

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Divorce impacts many aspects of family life. However, it is the psychological effects divorce has on children that parents really need to focus on when going through a divorce. Psychological effects of divorce that are not properly managed can lead to serious, long-term effects on children’s behaviors and relationships.

Short-Term Psychological Effects

When mediating the path of your divorce you will want to examine the short-term effects that your divorce will initially create. These effects will usually include psychological reactions to the news that you are getting divorced. They will usually include anxiety, panic, sadness, anger and denial.

To deal with the short-term psychological effects you will want to focus on comforting and educating your kids. This can be done by explaining to your kids what a divorce is and how it will be impacting the family. This is an important step to take.

Next you will want to deal with the emotional needs that your kids will have during your divorce procedure. They will need extra attention and they will need extra assurance that everything is going to be all right and that they will still be loved by both parents.

Long-Term Psychological Effects

Dealing with the short-term psychological effects of divorce will dramatically reduce the number and severity of long-term psychological effects that your children experience. However, even when you handle everything perfectly long-term effects can still develop. This is because everyone deals with change and loss in a different way.

The best way to manage your children and divorce so that long-term effects are minimal is to stay on top of problems that develop. For example, if you notice that your child’s behavior is changing you need to deal with that change constructively. It also means that if you do not know what to do that you seek professional help.

Nipping problems in the bud really is the best option. However, love and compassion are also important. Children who have loving and compassionate households are going to be better able to deal with teh stress of having their parents divorced.

Conclusion

Psychological effects divorce has on children varies depending on the families involved. Some families really fall apart because of the fall-out from a divorce. Others, on the other hand, evolve into a much stronger and more functional family unit as a result of a divorce.

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Separation and divorce are more common now than they have ever been. The high frequencies of these two things have made it difficult for kids to get through their childhoods without acquiring some emotional baggage. However, there are steps that can be taken to reduce the amount of baggage that kids have to carry around with them because of their parents’ divorce.

Separation Strategies

Many couples separate as a way to try out a divorce before committing to it. The separation also provides the couple with the opportunity to reconcile. To help kids deal with a separation the first thing that needs to be done is to explain how the separation is going to work.

Another separation strategy that you can try is to create a visual schedule for your kids. This strategy will provide your kids with a visual reference that they can use to track what is happening in their lives. This schedule will include both parents’ work schedules, school schedules and schedules of when the kids will be with each parent during the week.

What is very important to develop during the separation phase of a divorce is a practical and effective communication system. This system will involve the definition of appropriate communication methods and rules for how much communication will be required between each member of the family.

Divorce Strategies

When a separation moves to divorce strategies for protecting your kids need to increase. The first children and divorce strategy that you can use will be to reinforce the notion that you are still a family unit. This hasn’t changed just because the parents are no longer married.

The second strategy is to become more active in your children’s lives. This will reinforce your loving and supportive connection with them and it will help develop a stronger bond between you. It is important to note that parents need to be involved in their kids’ lives, but they need to be careful not to become to controlling or overbearing. Kids need freedom and independence in order to develop into mature adults.

The final strategy is to make it possible for the child to be a part of their other parent’s life. This is very important. Kids need to know that it is okay with you that they still love and enjoy spending time with their other parent.

Conclusion